Life, Death, Retirement…After Life? Part I
I remember once Master Johwa said, “People think of their life from birth to death. As a trainee you should look at life from before birth and past death.” It took so long for this to have deeper meaning to me. I guess that maybe at that time I couldn’t sense a deeper existence about myself, or was young and felt far away from death, or sometimes I think that we all generally walk around in denial as if we will live forever.
As time passes and the more training is done there is a deeper sense of reality about my existence. When I was younger things like having a soul or existing beyond this short life seemed like it was just in my imagination. A daydream that I liked to entertain but was not nearly as important as securing my material life. The more I go, the more real spiritual existence of myself and others is and the less important other things seem.
The more people talk to me about casual things the more my chest feels a deeper urgency for the both of us. Casual talk seems a little bothersome, as if we were in a crisis situation and someone is trying to talk to me about a football game. What can I do? I try to keep myself rooted in my heart and hope for the both of us while entertaining the chit chat so we can get along well. Is this how Master Johwa feels when he politely redirects my conversation to something more meaningful?
How big of a picture are we missing? I was talking to my wife recently about forgiving someone. What came to mind was how important it was to me when I was young to have a certain toy. Now looking back it’s so silly. Then I ask myself how long will I live? Around 50 more years give or take? Then I asked myself how long will I be dead? It’s so much more time! What about 1000 years after I die? How silly will the petty arguments and disagreements I have with people seem then? So what good is this toy now? What am I really doing here with this time?
After doing this last workshop with Master Johwa these things are really concerning me. My sense of urgency feels overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I have to do something now! But I can’t move. I know from previous experience that trying to do good even for others on a casual material sense is not really penetrating the deeper and more pressing issue. I need to do a better job within myself!
I use music a lot to remember my purpose and refresh myself. One of those songs on my playlist is “Man in the Mirror”, by Michael Jackson. I really love the lyrics and feel that when he wrote this song he was sincere and felt urgency about the world. The most important line to me is, “If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change.”
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Are We Afraid of Oneness?
Feeling resistance and struggling with it, or feeling really great then eventually to great for my own good. This is an ongoing thing that has bothered me quite a bit. I wondered about my resistance towards things that I find in myself that I don’t like or want to accept. Or towards teachings I have received that don’t sit well with me. Or towards my teacher in general. How much easier my life would be without this resistance or at least with much less of it.
One time I was bothered by a habit of mine that I just couldn’t seem to get rid of. Even when I pushed as hard as I could there was just an overwhelming feeling of futility. In that futility I felt something new. Before this moment I just thought that it is a simple physical/emotional habit. Then I felt pressure and the feeling came to mind that without this habit who am I? Meaning I felt like this habit is a part of me and without it a piece of me is dying. I then realized that I couldn’t even imagine myself or life without it and there is a great sense of fear and discomfort from that.
I think this feeling of losing myself maybe very much related to the resistance I feel about growth. After all, oneness can’t be me as an individual. It’s interesting that when ever I see something on tv about having one mind it is always negative. For example “Children of the Corn”, the Borg from Star Trek, even a recent car commercial. All depicting a sense of oneness as evil, scary, brainwashed, or some how not human. I believe that this is a general fear in society of being one instead of being an individual and maybe why it is depicted as such in mass media.
As time goes on my point of view has changed a lot. I don’t know what oneness really is so everything is still speculation, but it has become more and more positive. At the same time there is still resistance. Sometimes fear of not being an individual and other times a feeling of power and excitement from being an individual.Me and the circle of friends I used to have would look down on people who were showing a “oneness” attitude. As if they are to unintelligent to strengthen their sense of individuality.  Looking back, that general attitude is so destructive. It requires so much constant energy to keep yourself important. And it is so devastatingly lonely and full of anxiety. You can never be better than most let alone all, and honestly aren’t even better than some. So many skills that you have to be naturally born into: intelligence, beauty, physical ability. Everything is a constant competition which you mostly lose, and even if you win a lot you have to watch it slowly go away with age.
I remember years ago being really troubled about the idea of oneness and even losing sleep over it. I asked Master Johwa if we are all one and I become enlightened will I disappear completely? He smiled and said, “One day when you find out you will be pleasantly surprised”.
Doing the training that was taught to me by Master Johwa gives me a chance to experience space between myself and my personality. In that small space is great joy, brightness, and love. It makes me feel that as more space is created the more of those good things will be there. This sets my mind at ease more and more about oneness.
Everything Looks the Same, Just Beautiful
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“A human’s choice is the most penetrating and inevitable at the same time, so human has the most desirable consciousness on this planet.” (HwanDo)Â After doing Zen TaeGuekDo Workshop and picking our Vision I had the impression that this is a very powerful choice that literally exists within me.
This choice that I somehow feel is in my heart like a small spark of light. Things get dark, thoughts get dark, emotions get heavy, desires over come me, actions go the wrong way and still there is that small light of choice in me. I can somehow sense it. As if no matter how wrong things go they it will be OK because of this little light. It’s like I am in a hole with this light and can sense the sinking, then sense the bottom, then sense a coming out of it because of this light. I feel like I have no control over this journey of sinking, it’s happening to me but nothing is happening to this light.
People argue with me, emotions come up and when I follow that things get darker and smaller like I am being squeezed. If I react there is pain for me and others. If I feel my breath and try to love anyway, things are immediately different. If I bow my head and apologize for my attitude, immediately I sense it’s getting better.
I look ahead at the typical surroundings and my eyes don’t see anything differently at all yet somehow I sense that I am starring into vast beautiful light. Everything looks the same but it’s beautiful. My wife chuckles at me for having a silly grin on my face, lol. How can I explain this? I try and it goes wrong. Describe it and it goes wrong. What is it even? I have no idea!
I really feel like I don’t know anything at all and I feel great at the same time. I read the books, “Harmony Meditation: A New Way to Completion”, “HwanDo” and I don’t understand anything. When I try, my head hurts. When I do it, it works. What is this new way? What is Hwando? If someone asked me I couldn’t really tell them, I know it would go the wrong way. In my own words I would say, they are a Generator for your Light.
Everything is fine except… (2)
Everything is fine.
Yes. Things are fine.
Things like weapons are even fine, so they function well to kill people with no issue.
We are not things, though.
Humans are insane enough to be able to take care of all things except beings.
HwanDo.
Everything is fine except… (1)
1. Why do farmers grow apple trees?
1) To get apples : Correct
2) To grow apple trees : Incorrect
2. Why do we grow ourselves in life?
1) Because we want to grow : Incorrect
2) Because we want to complete : Correct
3. Why do we learn in life?
1) Since life is for learning : Incorrect
2) Since learning is for living completion : Correct
4. What are your questions to me?
Incorrect. Incorrect.
Staying Alive: Learning to unlearn
Do you believe in horoscopes? I read them sometimes to reflect on my life. A recurring message is a message of cause and effect:
If you don’t handle this influence well, you will have considerable difficulty with your relationships in the years to come. And these difficulties will be the result of unfortunate patterns established now. The border between discipline and habit is often hard to distinguish, but that is precisely the difference that you have to keep in mind at this time. Habit is mindless and unconscious, whereas discipline is self-imposed and suited to achieving your goals.
Learning from life lessons is not a trivial task. What makes it hard is a propensity to retreat within and avoid the painful and hurtful experiences, that is, aversion to loss.
I have been watching these hard-wired habits within myself lately. Interestingly, they are present in nearly every aspect of living. I’ve started taking tennis lessons and one of the first things I learned was about a desire to control. The more I try not to make a mistake by attempting to control technicalities of a stroke, the less control I have. Tennis is a highly cognitive sport with lots of opportunities for getting drowned in the noise – body movement, racket position, self-congratulatory or self-deprecating chit-chat, and so on. Learning what is the easiest thing to control in tennis seems obvious, but eludes even the good players.
Do you remember your first heartbreak? Did you vouch to avoid it at any cost in the future or did you decide to keep loving in spite of pain and suffering it may bring? I did the latter, but with passing time it became more challenging to stay true to that vow. People often disappoint, betr
ay, attack, and hurt themselves and each other, and these data make numerous imprints within the brain operating system. The longer we live, the more “people/ things/ situations to avoid†data we accumulate. The older we are, the less power we have for swimming out of the negative information swamp, and a window of opportunity for encountering a lotus flower arising from the mud is becoming foggier.
Is it not obvious that the easiest thing to control in any relationship is not the others, but ourselves? This basic wisdom eludes most of humanity. It eludes me when I am not aware, which is plenty of time. At first my meager attempts to reconcile conflicting information and emotions within feel weak and lousy, fake and frustrating. When I do well, I eventually recover love and peace. When I don’t do well, I close myself off to the source of conflicts and miss the opportunity to grow. Then a gentle voice reminds me: “Do you remember the promise?” I do. Life goes on and as long as I hear that voice, I am alive.
“As a human being what should we do to reciprocate the benevolent influence of life?”
― Johwa Choi