Where Am I? When Am I? Who the Heck Am I ?!?


“…So even though you may visit me and we would say that we are here and now, together, consciousness-wise everybody is in very different places.” Harmony Meditation

I was reading this passage this morning while sitting in the kitchen as my wife and mother were doing some dishes.  The second I read that line I saw myself and them as if we were in our own worlds.  Our bodies are here together but really I feel like we are in completely different places.  An impression as if something vaguely above their heads are quite different and mine as well.  Where are we?

Where am I?  Sometimes I feel like I’m in my head, other times in my heart.  Sometimes I feel like I am surrounding my body.  Why?  Which is right, if any?

I make a great effort to stay “Here and now” but what does that really mean to me?  I have my own assumption, I guess it’s because I experienced somethings differently and associate them with “here” or “now” but of course I don’t think it is either completely.  I just figure it is more so than what I am used to.

I make that effort but interact all day with people who these things are not important to.  I find myself wandering away with them.  Sometimes it feels like I’m drunk or dizzy.  Other times I get frustrated and angry.  Sometimes I express that anger and it seems to do no good.  Other times it seems to work most efficiently.

Sometimes I am focusing with a great sense of urgency, then all of the sudden I am swept away by completely random things.  What happened?  Where did I go?  Why is it happening all of the sudden?

Sometimes I feel like I’m Matt and it feels honest and sincere.  Other times I feel like I’m Matt and it is completely false.  A newer experience is Matt is there and I can talk about him without him getting too defensive.  Sometimes he runs loose and now I don’t let that bother me much, when this body is tired there is no winning sometimes.  Who is seeing that?  Who the heck am I?  Sometimes I don’t really care, other times I want to know, most times I want to know and feel fear.  Why do I have to go through this even?!

So I am a me that isn’t me trying to focus on me while others are pulling me away from me but I have to continuously give extreme effort to focus on me while giving extreme effort to focus on them because the they who is not them is pulling them too far away from them that might cause too many problems for us who isn’t really us?!?  Seriously What The Heck!!!  Sometimes this is my 24 hour day experience.

An urgency wakes me up in the morning too early.  My body wants to sleep, my thoughts aren’t choosing this either.  Is this a real me?  Even though it’s pushing me it doesn’t feel like me either.  Why am I waking up?  I don’t know anything at all.

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