Brainhavefun

http://www.healthy-addiction.com

What an experience this has been.  I remember when I started training with Grand Master Johwa and I became more sensitive to feeling energy.  I would sometimes sense negativity from others and want to avoid them.  Then I could sense what seemed like others trying to take energy from me.  It didn’t seem like it on the surface, they were just talking to me with casual chit chat but I could sense something else going on and wanted to avoid them.

Then one day I did a training and sensed something surprising.  I felt what seemed to be my energy body all around me and as I was speaking to some people I could sense my energy pulling at everyone there.  That was the first time I realized how much I was desperately pulling at others all of the time.  I would realize this more and more as time went on.  I would sense myself pulling at others while telling a joke, bringing up some casual chit chat, even with just a look or an expression.

Sometimes I could sense what seemed to be the cause of it.  I can’t be sure about it or describe it that well but basically a very desperate, anxious, and hopless needing sense from within myself.  All of this was wrapped up with a personality and a smile that seems totally normal.  I would look away from this and feel bad about it.  Later I didn’t judge myself as much because I realized this is just a normal human being.  I see this in myself and almost everyone else I interact with everyday.  From what I understand we are going through this because we don’t know who we truly are and look outside of ourselves for a sense of fullfilment.

I have taken on many differnt purposes for my life in the past.  When I made my purpose and mission for the whole of humanity to find their True Self and be truly fullfiled is when I experienced a beautiful break from that anxiousness.

Even though I am not complete myself yet, just hoping for it for others is such a powerful tool.  When aligned with that mission I don’t want to avoid others when sensing something negative happening.  When I am really aligned with that mission people can pull at me and I feel no discomfort, just love and as if a brightness is shining from me out to them that sometimes even seems to ease that anxious sense in them.  When I’m over tired and unaligned it’s a disaster.

I think of how much I pulled, pushed, and flat out faught with my teacher in the past.  How much discomfort did I send his way?  I remember one time sitting there expressing something negative and could literaly feel the darkness around my body.  Then brightness eminating from him gently washing it away.  He never avoids these things.  I really admire him now and want to have that kind of patience.  Lol it’s really tough though.

I remember Master Johwa talking about growing in society as opposed to trying to grow in isolation.  He said something to the extent that if you stay in isolation meditating and you feel peace, when you return to society you may find you can’t keep your peace.  He also said that living with others is like looking into a mirror, they make you see yourself and all of your junk that comes up.The other day my condition wasn’t good.  My wife came and shared something that was concerning her.  I was tired and cranky and responded by putting her problem back to her.  She didn’t like this response and was upset.  Then I got upset.

I went outside for some fresh air and felt my agitation.  If I never did any training I would probably leave it at that.  I might say, “I’m right she’s wrong.”  Or at the very least, “Whatever, let’s agree to disagree”.  At this point I know that when I’m upset at someone that means I did something wrong and to leave it like that is completely irresponsible.

“Ok what am I doing?”  Then I realized that although I felt that what I said was useful and had a good point, there was no love there.  I responded with my head, no heart.  Even though I think it’s useful it is completely useless to her.  And underneath the intellectual justifications and excuses of why what I said is not a big deal, there is a subtle but strong feeling that something is not right and it’s not right within me.  A direct answer that puts her at fault is not what she came looking for, I just tried to give her what I like.

Ok it’s time to swallow the pride and sincerly appologize.  I am becoming pretty good at apologizing since I find myself doing it so often, lol.  I never realized before how everything is my fault and as frustrating as it is I find it to be the most productive approach for me.   Then I feel my pride and self righteousness resisting what is now the obvious truth.

I lost my place.  It’s not about me, I am not important, I am the servant.  I get mad at myself.  “Wake up!  How many times do you have to go through this you @#$!  Ok that doesn’t work either, let’s cut Matt some slack and give him love too.”  Ok now I am ready to say I’m sorry.

I appologize, receive some feedback, get humbled, and try to keep my emotions at bay.  Then I feel we are opening up again and have a really good conversation.  I’m just listening now and feel her frustration and a longing to help her. I say what I can but it’s different now, there is sincerity in it and I feel deflated in a positive way.  Now we both feel fresh and appreciative towards each other.

Lol, sometimes I think she is the most relentless mirror I ever met.  She makes me see everything with no brakes, even when I ask for one.  It’s times like this I appreciate her for my growth.  It also reminds me that we are not here just to have a relationship, we are in a relationship to grow.