Missed You!

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Updated: September 16, 2014

I let other matters keep me from class for about one month, although I managed to meditate alone.  The quality of my meditation time gradually deteriorated; my mind could not be stilled.  Outside of mediation times I noticed that my emotions were controlling me more and more, and even my sleep was effected.  Thank you Grand Master Johwa Choi and all staffs for the sincerity and energy you impart to us during class that stays with us; thanks for showing us the way.     So glad to be back!

Life, Death, Retirement…After Life? Part II

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Posted: September 15, 2014

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The-SOul1
http://online-blog.co.uk/all-is-well-the-echoes-of-soul/

When wondering about what’s important in life a lot of things come to mind and make me wonder about it all.  I guess it’s usually bothering me how I am handling my values and priorities.

One thing that I think about that puts things into perspective is the value of relationships in this life and how it carries over after this life.  I was brought up catholic but I believed in reincarnation for certain reasons.  A lot of people wonder about who they were in their past lives but I think it’s more interesting how we continue to live this one without any recollection of previous ones and what that means about this one.

If I lived many lives before I was probably a father, brother, mother, sister etc.  I’m sure I had many family members who I loved just as I do now.  But right now I can’t remember any of them.  Previous children I may have had probably were the most important thing to me in one of my lives, but what do they matter to me now?  I can’t even remember them.

This makes me wonder about the importance of everything in this life.  If I am born  again I won’t remember my wife, mother, father, sisters, friends and so on.  So what does it all mean?  What’s the point?  This certainly changes the perspective of things.

We wonder about previous lives or obsess over this one but we don’t really seem to think about the being that is going through these lives.  I guess we are so identified with this body and personality and can’t even imagine anything else.

Thinking about these kinds of things makes me want to try harder to not dwell on the little details of the relationships that I have and work towards the bigger picture. To grow and help each other as much as possible with this little time that we have together.

 

Growth Through Relationships Part II

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Posted: August 30, 2014

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reflect

I remember Master Johwa talking about growing in society as opposed to trying to grow in isolation.  He said something to the extent that if you stay in isolation meditating and you feel peace, when you return to society you may find you can’t keep your peace.  He also said that living with others is like looking into a mirror, they make you see yourself and all of your junk that comes up.The other day my condition wasn’t good.  My wife came and shared something that was concerning her.  I was tired and cranky and responded by putting her problem back to her.  She didn’t like this response and was upset.  Then I got upset.

I went outside for some fresh air and felt my agitation.  If I never did any training I would probably leave it at that.  I might say, “I’m right she’s wrong.”  Or at the very least, “Whatever, let’s agree to disagree”.  At this point I know that when I’m upset at someone that means I did something wrong and to leave it like that is completely irresponsible.

“Ok what am I doing?”  Then I realized that although I felt that what I said was useful and had a good point, there was no love there.  I responded with my head, no heart.  Even though I think it’s useful it is completely useless to her.  And underneath the intellectual justifications and excuses of why what I said is not a big deal, there is a subtle but strong feeling that something is not right and it’s not right within me.  A direct answer that puts her at fault is not what she came looking for, I just tried to give her what I like.

Ok it’s time to swallow the pride and sincerly appologize.  I am becoming pretty good at apologizing since I find myself doing it so often, lol.  I never realized before how everything is my fault and as frustrating as it is I find it to be the most productive approach for me.   Then I feel my pride and self righteousness resisting what is now the obvious truth.

I lost my place.  It’s not about me, I am not important, I am the servant.  I get mad at myself.  “Wake up!  How many times do you have to go through this you @#$!  Ok that doesn’t work either, let’s cut Matt some slack and give him love too.”  Ok now I am ready to say I’m sorry.

I appologize, receive some feedback, get humbled, and try to keep my emotions at bay.  Then I feel we are opening up again and have a really good conversation.  I’m just listening now and feel her frustration and a longing to help her. I say what I can but it’s different now, there is sincerity in it and I feel deflated in a positive way.  Now we both feel fresh and appreciative towards each other.

Lol, sometimes I think she is the most relentless mirror I ever met.  She makes me see everything with no brakes, even when I ask for one.  It’s times like this I appreciate her for my growth.  It also reminds me that we are not here just to have a relationship, we are in a relationship to grow.

 

 

 

Untangling attachments to hack the code

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Posted: August 29, 2014

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matrix movie

We associate pain with the unwelcome aspect of being and living, something to avoid if possible. After all, being used to civilizing comforts of modern life is not a crime.

However, there is a time and place when I know I have to face it. Physical pain is the easiest to endure, with unequivocal benefits after each Taichi or meditation practice. I no longer think of it as a painful activity, but an opportunity to grow inner power, stamina, flexibility.

Some of my friends wonder – why is she blogging and talking about loaded topics such as pain, hurt, love, growth? One of them said: “Meditation is good, but I have always thought that if we don’t live to the fullest now, then when?” This is a good question and in my understanding the answer is related to quantity vs. quality of life.

Why, then, I ask myself? Any day, I can choose to distract myself with more fun, stronger emotions of love, joy, a wider range of satisfying tastes and experiences, or immerse myself in intellectual pursuits.

Instead, I choose to learn from the instigator of change, progress, and growth – my guide and teacher Johwa Choi, the “spiritual boss”. Sometimes he would tell me things about me that I don’t want to hear. Recently he joked that his job is very peculiar – to cause a pain in the behind to get me moving. Just the right soupcon of pain. I laughed because he knows my character so well. I would not budge if my feet weren’t burning.

He would sometimes let me know when I have forgotten about my true essence and switched to the right/ wrong mode of critical thinking without being aware. I know nothing is as simple as it seems, and in every strength lies a source of weakness. Certain teachings are harder to accept than others because I have created strong neural connections as part of my identity over many years. Letting go of “good” notions about self is the hardest. It hurts in the deepest spaces of heart ventricles. If I am not that “good” person I thought I was, then who am I?

Eventually, after mental fits and cries, the familiar process of self-exploration begins. The deeper I go, the more things I find – the good, the bad, and the ugly. The journey can become quite invigorating and adventurous. When I finally figure out why I react a certain way to certain people or situations, I feel like I hacked into the system and became the guardian of the galaxy called my brain. That virus can no longer enter unnoticed. Yippee! I am so hyped until I remember how much malware is out there… Oh, well, I’ll deal with it later. For now, let them all sleep and recharge peacefully together.

Plan What You Want What You Plan

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Posted: August 27, 2014

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Years ago I was having a wonderful summer day with my children at the Jersey Shore. We were really enjoying each others company, when we started observing some unpleasant things happening between many other parents and their children. On the beach, we saw several children who appeared lost and wandering around looking for their folks, and many others sitting bored to tears in front of their parents who would yell at them every time they asked to go for a swim! On the boardwalk it was even worse, with several parents screaming at, and often hitting their children, for wanting to go on a ride or get something to eat?
Not wanting to be judgmental when my kids asked me why so many parents seemed so unhappy with their kids I just answered that some people were meant to have children while others should just have guppies.

Well-being / -dying / -being-born

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Updated: August 27, 2014

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Once upon a time, there was 2 angels up there.
One day it was the left angel asked to the right one,
“I heard that you are preparing to go down there soon, right?”
“Yeah”, he said.
“What about your 401(k), is that a robust one?” asked again the left.
The right one got frowned and replied, “Yeah, but I heard that you’ve got to be very careful when preparing “well-being-born” on earth”
“What’s matter?”  
“You know, down there now is horrible, so even the kind-deed-money from your angel-pension will not be sufficient enough to protect you from becoming an evil again” 
 
“What’s wrong?” asked the left.
“There are wars all over” said heavily the right one.
 
The right and the left both prayed hands in hands.
 
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