Standing Your Ground

I don’t know why it happens or exactly how.  I don’t really see it coming.  It is very sneaky and slowly creeps in behind me.  I noticed it does so especially when I make a big decision to change myself.  Without warning or any apparent cause it will abruptly foil my plans and send me down the wrong rabbit whole ever so gently.  So who is this foe?  Ninjas!   Ok it’s not ninjas, but just as sneaky as they are.

I honestly have no idea what it is, all I know is that it is there and comes to me at important times when there is an opportunity to grow more or if I make a personal choice to do so more.  I can remember at almost every major turning point while practicing Harmony Meditation there always came up some personal disaster.  One time is was an unexpected financial problem, another time a death in the family, another time a major relationship meltdown.  I can go on and cover a span of almost 10 years but needless to say the word coincidence has lost its meaning to me almost completely.

It’s like deciding to head in a direction and almost immediately as you step towards there something off of the path zooms in and steals the attention you are trying to give to your destination.  Then all of the sudden there are so many thoughts and emotions pulling at you that you are unable to take another step. Even more importantly is the fact that you don’t realize it as it’s happening nor do you realize your condition sinking along the way.

This just happened again to me. I guess I can say it’s getting better because I can see it to some extent now. However even though I’ve been there so many times and can see it now it feels like I can’t actually do anything about it. It’s as if I can see myself going down and can think of at least 3 or 4 things to improve the situation but I can’t seem to muster up the will to do it.  A weird sense of positivity trapped inside negativity.  “Ok Matts in a funk”, I tell myself.  Even the thought of doing the smallest thing literally makes my body cringe. Then all kinds of desires to do other things come up that are clearly not in the direction I just set out.

Lol it was really kind of funny this time.  These crazy thoughts came up and I know that they are meaningless and distracting so I try to push them down.  That doesn’t do any good so I start to say, “Ok, let them come up and out”, and laughed at myself as they did.  I won’t share all of them but one that kept coming up and really made me laugh was fantasizing of being on a beach in the Caribbean laying on hammock while sipping a pineapple shaped pina colada, lol. I start to do somethings I don’t want to and even realize it as I am about to do it.  It’s as if my purpose is within me but is powerless and my body is just doing the opposite.

Now I am in the familiar stage where I am just starting to come out of it.  I can do a little more but not nearly as much as I planned to originally.  It will build up and things will be changed in my practical life to some degree.  Thats exactly how I have experienced these things before.  If I can’t move, fine, I’ll stand my ground here for a little while and take a break without venturing off.  Maybe I needed a break or to reexamine my situation.  I’ll just try to make this funk as positive as possible while remaining steady in my heart.