self serving vs Self Serving


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I was recently trying to make a training regiment for myself.  It’s something I have done a million times and I continue because the times that I stuck with it the results were indisputable.  However at some point I sensed that there is something wrong or missing in all of this.  I am too focused on myself and am planning to much while neglecting others and the opportunities that come with them.

In the book “Harmony Meditation, A New Way to Completion”, Master Johwa says that we have brightness in us and around us.  He then asks the questions, “What are you doing with the brightness…In your life, what kind of role has the brightness been playing?”  This really stuck in my brain and I would hear those words in my head consistently.  With that in mind I thought a better way to take care of my brightness would be to serve other’s brightness.  I can’t go into detail about everything that I experienced over the next several days.  It would be too much for one post and I am still experiencing it and trying to make sense of it.

First I felt sorry.  I repented for a couple of days.  I felt so sorry,  ashamed, and the word disgraced came into my mind.  I could not look up most of the time.  I felt sorry for so many things and I felt that if I repented and apologized for the rest of my life it would not be enough.  It’s a brutal feeling but I know I should appreciate it more to even have the opportunity, but really it feels like there is no end at all.  I felt that heaviness all day the second day and into the night and when things happened around me that picked me up I was drawn immediately down.  Even through this repentance how many disgraceful things are still coming up.  Where is the off button?  Maybe this is what people mean when they say before you become enlightened you have to die.

People talk about desires a lot in regards to spirituality.  Mostly I have heard people talk about taming desires for food, sex, or quitting bad habits.  What I saw in myself is that there are so many more that are so subtle and so unbelievably strong and active 24 hours a day.  I realized how much pain we spread with the most common things.  Even simple chit chat seems completely self serving and wasting time.

I received several important messages but the one I will share is that every interaction with another person is a precious and important moment, and to take care of that person in spite of every emotion they stir up without reacting is my absolute responsibility to them and myself.  Master Johwa has said before to meet people soul to soul.  I have done it before and was surprised by what I found but this time it feels very different.  When I see people like this I feel real urgency and strong desire for them to grow and complete their soul.  It’s hard to even want to stay in this type of interaction because it is intense, I feel my body from my chest to my head bow to them.  The second message is I am nothing but a servant.

Master Johwa also says in his book, “All problems originate because you are the you that you have.”   Wow!  I have talked about growth and enlightenment but in the background just imagining a better version of Matt.  Now I feel I am just starting to realize No Matt = No Problems.


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