I remember Master Johwa talking about growing in society as opposed to trying to grow in isolation. He said something to the extent that if you stay in isolation meditating and you feel peace, when you return to society you may find you can’t keep your peace. He also said that living with others is like looking into a mirror, they make you see yourself and all of your junk that comes up.The other day my condition wasn’t good. My wife came and shared something that was concerning her. I was tired and cranky and responded by putting her problem back to her. She didn’t like this response and was upset. Then I got upset.
I went outside for some fresh air and felt my agitation. If I never did any training I would probably leave it at that. I might say, “I’m right she’s wrong.” Or at the very least, “Whatever, let’s agree to disagree”. At this point I know that when I’m upset at someone that means I did something wrong and to leave it like that is completely irresponsible.
“Ok what am I doing?” Then I realized that although I felt that what I said was useful and had a good point, there was no love there. I responded with my head, no heart. Even though I think it’s useful it is completely useless to her. And underneath the intellectual justifications and excuses of why what I said is not a big deal, there is a subtle but strong feeling that something is not right and it’s not right within me. A direct answer that puts her at fault is not what she came looking for, I just tried to give her what I like.
Ok it’s time to swallow the pride and sincerly appologize. I am becoming pretty good at apologizing since I find myself doing it so often, lol. I never realized before how everything is my fault and as frustrating as it is I find it to be the most productive approach for me.  Then I feel my pride and self righteousness resisting what is now the obvious truth.
I lost my place. It’s not about me, I am not important, I am the servant. I get mad at myself. “Wake up! How many times do you have to go through this you @#$! Ok that doesn’t work either, let’s cut Matt some slack and give him love too.” Ok now I am ready to say I’m sorry.
I appologize, receive some feedback, get humbled, and try to keep my emotions at bay. Then I feel we are opening up again and have a really good conversation. I’m just listening now and feel her frustration and a longing to help her. I say what I can but it’s different now, there is sincerity in it and I feel deflated in a positive way. Now we both feel fresh and appreciative towards each other.
Lol, sometimes I think she is the most relentless mirror I ever met. She makes me see everything with no brakes, even when I ask for one. It’s times like this I appreciate her for my growth. It also reminds me that we are not here just to have a relationship, we are in a relationship to grow.
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