Feeling resistance and struggling with it, or feeling really great then eventually to great for my own good. This is an ongoing thing that has bothered me quite a bit. I wondered about my resistance towards things that I find in myself that I don’t like or want to accept. Or towards teachings I have received that don’t sit well with me. Or towards my teacher in general. How much easier my life would be without this resistance or at least with much less of it.
One time I was bothered by a habit of mine that I just couldn’t seem to get rid of. Even when I pushed as hard as I could there was just an overwhelming feeling of futility. In that futility I felt something new. Before this moment I just thought that it is a simple physical/emotional habit. Then I felt pressure and the feeling came to mind that without this habit who am I? Meaning I felt like this habit is a part of me and without it a piece of me is dying. I then realized that I couldn’t even imagine myself or life without it and there is a great sense of fear and discomfort from that.
I think this feeling of losing myself maybe very much related to the resistance I feel about growth. After all, oneness can’t be me as an individual. It’s interesting that when ever I see something on tv about having one mind it is always negative. For example “Children of the Corn”, the Borg from Star Trek, even a recent car commercial. All depicting a sense of oneness as evil, scary, brainwashed, or some how not human. I believe that this is a general fear in society of being one instead of being an individual and maybe why it is depicted as such in mass media.
As time goes on my point of view has changed a lot. I don’t know what oneness really is so everything is still speculation, but it has become more and more positive. At the same time there is still resistance. Sometimes fear of not being an individual and other times a feeling of power and excitement from being an individual.Me and the circle of friends I used to have would look down on people who were showing a “oneness” attitude. As if they are to unintelligent to strengthen their sense of individuality.  Looking back, that general attitude is so destructive. It requires so much constant energy to keep yourself important. And it is so devastatingly lonely and full of anxiety. You can never be better than most let alone all, and honestly aren’t even better than some. So many skills that you have to be naturally born into: intelligence, beauty, physical ability. Everything is a constant competition which you mostly lose, and even if you win a lot you have to watch it slowly go away with age.
I remember years ago being really troubled about the idea of oneness and even losing sleep over it. I asked Master Johwa if we are all one and I become enlightened will I disappear completely? He smiled and said, “One day when you find out you will be pleasantly surprised”.
Doing the training that was taught to me by Master Johwa gives me a chance to experience space between myself and my personality. In that small space is great joy, brightness, and love. It makes me feel that as more space is created the more of those good things will be there. This sets my mind at ease more and more about oneness.
